Update Slowly

Despite the whole missing our flight, paying nearly an extra grand to get to Salt Lake City in time to drive five plus hours to WY thing, the first 36 hours of using our pass actually went OK. Sure, I did have a minor hissy fit in JFK when I was trying to figure out what we were going to do and Pete and Ian kept freaking talking to me, but, you know . . . Since we changed our flight, we didn't have seats, so I took a chance and asked the Jetblue check in guy (surely his official title) if there was any way Ian could sit with one of us. The guy was cool and gave us first row seats, Ian and me on one side, Pete on the aisle next to us.

Ian was very, very cute in the beginning of our five plus hour flight. He sat with his hands clasped, eyes wide, and followed along in the emergency pamphlet during the presentation everyone ignores. The man next to him was smiling at him and everything. Then Ian got comfortable and let a few rip. My seat vibrated, so surely the one on his other side did too. Freaking kid. As if that wasn't enough, he got brave and bored, so he stood in the front of the plane to "stretch". Too bad stretching turned into dancing, which led to leaning over, sticking his butt out and farting while emitting a very loud sigh of relief/pleasure. Unfortunately someone laughed at this and it was repeated, oh maybe twenty times before I got pissed off enough to threaten the safety of his security blanket.

Finally, we got to CA, where the airport was so freaking small they only have outdoor ramps to get on and off the planes. It consisted of maybe three trailers and the baggage claim was outside, next to three picnic tables and THAT. WAS. IT. So much for staying at the airport and grabbing some food/rest before our 7AM flight. It was like 9:30PM and the place was getting locked up for the night!!! WTF? We finally rented a car ($50 for 6 freaking hours)and drove around looking for a hotel. After half an hour, we found one-less than a mile from the airport. :) Then I remembered In 'N Out Burgers are in CA, so Pete asked at the hotel if there was one nearby. Luckily, it was only another mile away and the only thing open. Yummy. I can see why people love them. For cheap fast food burgers, they rocked. In fact, I made Pete drive thru the drive thru to order another one for me. I probably should have considered eating at some point before 1AM our time.

Our hotel room sucked. It was humid and chemical-y smelling, like the carpet had been recently shampooed, but not dried. Then my bed started vibrating. Needless to say, I didn't sleep much and the humidity and smell gave me a migraine. WooHoo! We decided to forgoe silly things like showering and eating so we could drive to the Pacific to see the sun rise. I checked out Long Beach on my almost trusty iPad, and discovered that it is generally considered filthy and waveless. Awesome!!! But thanks to our In 'N Out jaunt, I knew how to get to a road we could follow south for five to ten miles to a nicer beach-- Sunset Beach. Halfway there I started laughing about how we are so ass backwards we were going to Sunset Beach at SunRise. It took another couple minutes to figure out exactly what that meant for us. As I was noticing signs for beach access on our right, the sun was creeping onto the horizon-- on our left. I slapped the wheel and screamed "MotherFucker!" before I started laughing hysterically about what morons we are. Seriously, how stupid can you be? Ahahahahaha. It was perfect, it fit in so well with our trip that far.

We took a bunch of pictures, froze our toes and sped back to the airport, where we waited a whopping two minutes before boarding. Yay!!! That short flight was rotten. Ian farted the whole time and generally acted like an asshole while I wore my sunglasses to help my migraine and got more and more annoyed. Fun stuff!

Holy Fucking Stupid Shit

So, this afternoon I was mentally patting myself on the back for the freaking awesome job I did getting to JFK. We were 15 miles away from the airport, with plenty o time to check in and make the flight, despite having left, uh, let's just leave it at "late". We missed last check in time by five minutes. The next flight from JFK to Salt Lake City was a full 24 hours (minus five minutes) from then. Ugh. Not cool, but we have those passes, right? Yeah. Uh huh. I also have an iPad, that doesn't mean it will do what I need when I need it. Like in the airport. Jetblue's flight pattern map is flash based. iPad doesn't use flash. Not fun. The quickest way I could find to fly Jetblue was to take a non-stop flight to Long Beach, CA, arriving@ 9:30 PM and then taking a flight from CA to SLC Friday morning @ 7:50, arriving in SLC @ 10:30AM. No biggie, I guess. We can just stay in the Long Beach airport for 8 hours, I figured. I was wrong. Really fucking wrong. Long Beach is pathetic as far as airports go. I won't even get into it, but it's bad, really, really bad. We got here @ 9:30 and the sidewalks had been rolled up already.

Ugh. Too tired, can't focus eyes all of a sudden. Will finish some day.

Tomorrow (today)

In twelve hours our first All You Can Jet flight leaves JFK airport toward Boston. I have to leave here before 5AM in order to avoid sitting in rush hour traffic for hours upon hours. Well, technically, I could wait until 9AM when traffic thins out, but I'd be cutting it close, very close. So 5 it is. No biggie, except for the child who is currently ranting and raving about how much he hates Boston and doesn't want to go, instead of sleeping. This ranting obviously leads to a lack of sleep for both of us. Which will lead to more ranting and an all out miserable time tomorrow, I'm sure. Yay!!! I'm so excited to be doing this cool stuff for my ever appreciative son!! I'm thinking that I will either try to sell him to Mormons in Salt Lake City on Thursday or ask a kind herd of buffalo to adopt him as one of their own in the Grand Tetons. Boston's too close, and I can't think of any group there to take him, as I'm guessing the Mayflower Society types will surely notice his profound lack of manners different accent. Ahhhhh, fun.

I should probably decide what we're doing tomorrow and figure out how to get there, but I do have a few more hours. Packing a bag would probably be good too. Finding a bag in which to pack our supplies for the day might be better. Eh, we don't need much. I did check the weather forecast though. It's supposed to be hot and mostly sunny, I think. Yay!!! I also checked the weather in Grand Teton NP. Snow mixed with rain is forecast for Friday. It's so weird for me to consider snow in September. I'm just glad it means Ian will probably not get to try his latest trick. He finally stopped dropping his pants to his ankles when pissing in the woods. Instead, he unzipped, stood at the edge of a not-very-large-but-still-kinda-big cliff, thrust his pelvis and arched his back while screaming, "Fire Away!!!", then proceeded to piss in as large an arch as possible, all while laughing hysterically. It was great. I was hoping to see it replicated in a large park with actual cliffs. (I'm lying.)

I'm ovulating, which means: a) I get diarrhea b) I get gassy c) I get car sick / nauseous even easier than normal d) I break out e) I'm (even) bitch(ier than normal). Nature's contraceptive-- that's me!!!! The timing does not help the situation involving the ranting child. But usually when it's hardest to get somewhere I have more fun than I was expecting to have, although I probably just blew that little theory by typing it, huh?

I Can't Even Make Up My Mind About Not Making Up My Mind

Sorry I didn't respond to the other comments, I suck, I know. Yes, yes I could do it now, but it just feels so late. Anyway, . . . I decided on a flight to Seattle, an overnight there, then a train to Portland where we'd grab a rental car and head to the Pacific. Sounds cool, right? Except I don't really know where to stay in Seattle and the train ride to Portland is like 3 hours long and the highly recommended beach is three hours from there and and and. I couldn't decide on a hotel in any location, let alone how far up the coast to start our journey and on and on and on. Planning the trip suddenly became very UN-fun. I mean, I used all my decision making skills choosing flights (and Ian's school curriculum for the year). When I booked the flights, only a few scattered center of the row seats and the $50 upgrade seats were available. JetBlue doesn't overbook, so I decided to rely upon the kindness of an airline worker to give us free upgrades so at least one of us could sit next to Ian. Then the planning died a sudden, unnoticed death.

I had been hoping to visit a friend who is currently living in or within walking distance to Grand Teton National Park in WY, but the airline tickets to the small airport cost as much as or more than the All You Can Jet passes and the closest airport I can fly into with the pass is Salt Lake City, Utah --320 miles away. *sigh*

But then I started thinking about the amount of ground travel time we were planning in the Pacific NorthWest and tried to do a little math, calculating total estimated time, blah, blah, blah. While I was taking a shit, I decided to just say fuck it to Seattle and go for the WY trip. I'd much rather see a friend than wander aimlessly. I found seats together on both flights. Then I realized that horseback rides through the trails are fairly common. Perfect! Ian has been dying to go horseback riding for about two years now. Suddenly, the trip sounds fun again! Yay!! Now if I can find a place to stay for less than $800 a night, all will be good again.

Never heard of the Grand Tetons?  Yeah, I hadn't before she moved there either, but the name has something to do with the mountains looking like boobs.  They are very close to (maybe touching?) the southwest border of Yellowstone National Park, and every picture I've seen is absolutely gorgeous.  I'm excited again!!!!  Yay!!!  That's what travel should really be about anyway, right?

Now I need someone to accompany Ian and me from Las Vegas to the Grand Canyon . . .

I Gots Skillz Yo

Or not. Most probably not. Why in the world did I think that buying something that gives me fairly free reign over a huge area would be a good idea? I can't decide what I want for freaking breakfast or whether to take a shit or blow my nose first. Now I have 60 cities and god knows how many freaking flights to choose from?!?! I thought picking a car to buy was bad. At least then I had a few picky constraints that made for some available parameters. (stick, no white or silver) Now, geez, I won't be able to fly home to use the bathroom no matter what and the country is full of garlic, so everything else is pretty wide open. Even if I could decide upon a geographical feature, the options are still numerous. Beach? Sure, yes, I want the beach. International or national? East Coast or West Coast? Northern or Southern? Ocean, bay, inlet, river or lake? OK, OK, forget the beach. I want desert instead. Phoenix, Vegas, or Southern CA? Canyons or no canyons? Fine, forget it, I'll just go to the stupid Winchester Mystery House like Ian wants. San Jose airport or San Francisco? There's nothing else to do in San Jose but it's an hour closer than San Francisco and all the cool stuff in SF is an hour in the opposite direction of the airport and the house. Oh wait, flights into San Jose are very limited, uh, one 9:45 PM arrival and 10:25PM departure daily. Fffuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccckkkkkkkkkk!!!

Then there's the whole how well will Ian cope thing to consider. While I may find a several hour drive after a cross country flight to view National Parks like Zion, Yosemite, Yellowstone, etc. to be well worth the trip, will he? Vegas is awesome, but will it be too much for a hyper little kid? And if we do Vegas, we have to do the Grand Canyon, but Vegas is so overblown and the Grand Canyon is so freaking huge and the trip in between is most likely nothing, will the contrast be too much? Will his head explode? Will my head explode? I think mine may before I even book another flight.

Finally

Whew! I have finally decided upon our first trip out of JFK. I know you're all waiting, holding your breath, wondering which hour-long flight I will take after driving two hours to the airport and checking in at least an hour early. Don't do the driving math, please. It may make me cry. Fuck, I just did enough of it in my head to be bothered. Anyway, we're going to Boston!! I've only been there once and I absolutely hated it, but, eh, it'll be better this time. I picked Boston because it has the most public transportation options available. After booking the flight, I decided to check the taxi rates in Boston. Unfortunately it also includes a time estimate. The 45 minute public transportation route that seemed pretty good gets clocked in as a 14 minute taxi ride at around the same price as bus and whatever other fare for 3 people. So, basically, I could've gone wherever the hell I wanted. *sigh*

(On a completely unrelated side note, our dog will only come onto the sofa after being invited-- while we're home, anyway-- which is good. Except now for some strange reason you have to pat the sofa with your left hand, patting it with the right one will produce only stares and cocked ears.)

Uh, where was I? Oh yeah, Boston. Duck tours were recommended by several different people in several different places, and they start at a science museum, so that's the plan. Tourist ride in an on-road, bright fucking yellow boat. But Ian will have fun. I hope. Let's just hope he doesn't have to take a shit that day. Anyone have any suggestions about how to get him to stop describing his bowel movements in vivid detail?

I Must Be Insane

This week I bought Jetblue All You Can Jet passes for myself, my eight year old son Ian and his father Pete. With these passes we can fly anywhere on Jetblue's route an unlimited number of times between September 7th and October 6th, with only a three day advanced booking! How freaking cool is that? I have always wanted to travel and have rarely had the means. This time, means and opportunity converged and I jumped on the shit with absolutely no clue how I am going to actually accomplish this. Whatever, I'll figure it out as I go along.


Ian will most definitely make it interesting. I'm cringing as I consider the possible things this child could say and do in a month of heavy travel. Oh God, I hadn't even considered the bathroom aspect until this very second. Ian is a very, uh, vocal child. Not necessarily loud vocal, maybe loquacious is a better word. I have been described as a person who will "tell you where a bear shit in the woods". Ian will tell you not only where the bear shit,but how it looked while doing so, the color, texture and smell of the product left behind, what the bear did after taking a shit, and how the bear's shit differs from his own. Good Lord, it should be an interesting month.